Crashcomet

2012-01-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

You are to be down, girl
Not finding moments of joy
like this. Pearls.

2011-12-28T23:22:00.000-08:00

Star Glory

2011-12-28T23:14:00.000-08:00

Sure I want sunshine
I want star glory
And moon flowers
showering all over me.

I come out smiling
speckled with golden dust
Greet the large fanbase
Bid adieu and walk away
on the water
of the silver lake.

Only, I want my own mirror
Not your praise, to see
my fine star glory.

Shaming

2011-12-27T23:55:00.000-08:00

I bring you my college.
I bring you my name.
I bring you my husband.
When I being you me,
you shame.

I bring you health
I bring you success
I bring my last
fame. However, when I
bring you myself
you fear.

I bring you easy words
I bring you peace
I bring you love;
you stay.
When I bring you pain
you use it to your gain
All I am left with
is more shame.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T20:55:00.000-08:00

The morning comes
and with it
possibilities
Of a cleaner future
Of an open life
Of a more adjusted
present.

The song on the radio
sings sweetly
a welcome too.
This expanded life
of nothing big to
do and no place
to go to,
tunes the instrument
of the heart & mind.

Sweet sunlight
Cool december
Merry christmas.

Refusal to bid bye-bye

2011-12-15T04:21:00.000-08:00

I don't want
2011 to end.
It has been a
year of rest
and of hardwork.

Those distant
horizons of
the next year
scare me with
their hint of
big changes.

I like 2011
the intimacy and
comfort that has
grown between us
in the last
many months.
Stay.
Make me feel,safe.

Winter Trim

2011-12-15T04:03:00.000-08:00

I cut this
hedge around me
and cleared the
brambles, the
climbing weeds
and the dried
branches of
wild shrubs.

There is an
opening now
and the sun
& wind can
reach me where
I stand and look
Its a good time
now, to
ask me.

Cloaking

2011-12-02T01:15:00.000-08:00

Excuse me .
I dont want
your dream for me.
I have my own.

If you really cared,
like you say you do;
you will stop
bringing me your fears
cloaked in what
I should do.

One dream

2011-12-02T01:11:00.001-08:00

I can only live one dream -mine, you will have to excuse me from yours.

The End

2011-11-27T01:58:00.001-08:00

It is really
strange that
we take all
this trouble
to die in the
end.

To make a name
To win a game
All those efforts
to charm people
who dont last
in the end.

Maybe we should
mark a tree
grow a tortoise
or poison
the sea.

Otherwise, all
that will remain
of us, are some
memories in the
minds of people.
And minds are
fickle.

2011-11-27T01:38:00.000-08:00

As I grow
older, my hair
changes colour,
pointing to me
that some of
my cells are
dead forever.

My belly is
thicker and
my thighs
softer. This
neck pain
has stayed,
beyond its time.

That light
complexion,
that chiselled
face, those
dark circles
around my eyes.
What tale are
you all telling me?

Me, I want to
care for you
without forcing
my wants on you.
Those times when
I did not
think of you
Whenever I saw you ,
you were pretty
and alive.

Am I making
you not pretty
now, by my
ceaseless
expectations?
Or are you
telling me that
you need attention?

House is Cool

2011-11-25T18:42:00.000-08:00

I dint know baby
that being here
inside you, I have
arrived,
for the world.

To want a house
near the south seas
thats what one does
after one get a job
and makes a baby.

I dint know my girl,
having you,
I am super
to the world.
I have one less
thing to tick off
in this metric
of the rising goals.

I wonder now
being where I am
within you,
what is it
that I should
be aspiring to.

Princess Story

2011-11-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

I have your card with me
It says that you will be
my shield against all odds,
and I am to be your shelter
for rainy days.

It has been years
And I have seen us as a lie
I have see you as a lie
and too shameful to admit
about me to the world.
No guts and self-centered.

There is something sweet
in these photos of you
of us, all those years back
That I have torn in half,now.
I see a surrender in your
stand, maybe even love.

The you was clearly important
even then, I am hiding
in the back somewhere
And there are so many single
photos of you in love.
I must have been shy
and content.

When I see past those days
of pain, I might admit now
that there were also,
days of love
of companionship ,
of pleasure and of trust.
Maybe there was some
truth to what went on then.
I doubt it.

Whatever it was,
indeed I admit freely
that it was a small shelter
from life then
in the hard desert.
Those mustard fields
and blue skies, then asked
for young things
to be in love, to touch
to hold and to promise.

I have a letter here
addressed to the princess
you dont want her to worry
and you say you will to a
great extent, to make her
happy. See beautiful, we have
unadulterated love.

Should I tear this letter
and burn that card?
Or should I hold on?
I am glad we din't make it
and when I see you
I see not beyond the
self centered man.
And I hated the pain
and the doublespeak.

When I read this letter
now and those photographs,
I agree, we did shelter
each other
Holding on, in
those lonely nights
on those dark roads
with the bright moon
and fragnant breeze.

Q&A with grandma

2011-11-10T16:49:00.000-08:00

I moved back with my parents after a week with 'Paatti'. I have a job lined up from Monday and I am moving on. Last night, I kept the poor, old woman awake till long past. I wanted a few answers.

Me: Does life have an inherent meaning?
Paatti: No.

Me: Im only 25 but already I have seen so my sorrow, have been let down by people, exploited , seen children dying, loved and been forsaken. There is so much greed and animosity everywhere. I can see life as only a buy of more responsibility, and creation of more problems either in the form of children or house etc. As we grow older it only looks like it gets worse as our physical system also starts failing. This cant be the right way to live?

Paatti: Okay, so become a Kanyastri ( a young sanyasi). So there are two ways, either you have to embrace life with all its problems and attachements or you have to give up all attachments.

Me: Does becoming a Kanyastri mean less problems?
Paatti: No. I you have taken birth on this earth then you are going to have problems whatever path you take.

Me: If we embrace the normal life knowing that it is meaningless. How can we be content in this hypocricy?
Paatti: In my case, I accept circumstances if I cant change them. If your daughter-in-law is unkind to you and you expect kindness from her because it is the right thing for her to do, the only person who is going to be frustrated is you. Whatever is in your fate will happen, so no point in fighting circumstances. I like to help people and I have been doing that all my life. My sister-in-law liked to make sweets and she used to prepare a lot of sweets. We were content.

Me: Is education only for making money? What is real education?
Paatti: Real education should be able to give you the ability to differentiate between the right and the wrong. It should also give you the ability to act on it like smartness, power and energy. And yes, education is also to give you the ability to make money to look after your more mundane wants.

Me. So what is 'right'?
Paatti: Right is to do good things . In the indian society it is to give to the handicapped, to the mental ward as these people are the most neglected. Education used for teaching is also a good way.

Me: Is doing a Phd a more useful way of using your education?
Paatti: No, most Phds are fools. They are concentrating on only improving their minds without a care to other wants of a body. In a holistic life you have to take care of all your needs, not just mental ones. Also, some people do their phd as a way to make money which is not different from a normal job. People like you, with a more wavering mind should not think of this option as there is no running away from realities. Only those people should do a Phd who are totally dedicated to the field.

Me: If God is so powerful, then how come he cannot protect himself? ( This is in the context of Tamilnadu where the temples of worship are subject to political vagaries)
Paatti: How do you know that God is not watching ?

Me: Is there God?
Paatti: No, it is all a creation of the mind. If you put a stone in front of it and think it is God, then it is God.

Labels: etc

2011-11-05T02:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, I support DMK. Yes, I think arranged marriages are optimal business transactions that maximise security and social acceptance. Yes, I think children are messy and take too much time, not to mention, mess up your body. Yes, I think you are faking your success. Yes, I am single . Yes, I gave birth to a kitten. And if that sounds too normal - then fuck you too.

2011-11-04T19:53:00.000-07:00

All I want is
everything.

Half cooked life

2011-11-04T19:29:00.001-07:00

The paper seems white
But when you lift it
You can see the
ink markings behind.

These relationships,
some seem good.
and when one tries hard
or when one is in love,
they seem great.
However, there are
also at the same time
relationships that
we have given up
on. Not because they
are necessarily
bad people or
you were. But
just that it was
the wrong timing.
So the happy ones
remain and the broken
ones lurk by the side.

The house shines
and is happy.
There stands also
one undusted window-sill
with lizard crap
in spots.

Uber Normal

2011-10-12T07:42:00.000-07:00

I live in a Limbo. I am not normal. I am not mad. It is not a place I want to be in. I have to learn to make do.

POVERTY/ HELPING
The man was spewing blood, it ran down from his nostrils and he spat it from his mouth. In contrast to the colour of what was coming out of his head, he wore a white sleeveless t-shirt and a white pant rolled up at the bottom. The right eye seemed bloody too. Maybe he was hit hard on the head, maybe he fell down the third floor of a construction building. People said he was drunk and this happens to drunk people. To me he did not look old enough to be a drunkard. Just running 24 or 25. Whatever happened to him, here he was , in front of my black jeep. Running zigzagedly in the middle of the lane.

I don’t like people. I find them all violent. Cowardly or strong, but violent. I avoid talking to them. All talks are about how they are better than you or how bad you really are. All relationships are about how to use each other. The family went. But not before four of them asked me to leave their family homes. One of those homes was mine. The society went. The moralist jokers- their son was fucking two women under their noses and they call me a prostitute and a failure. Oh wait, that was my father.

FROM THE HOLY BASTARD
Harshad Mehta, he called himself. He liked gold. He was a gujrati and had grown up in a small town near Shirdi. He was a great devotee of Sai Baba. It took him four years but he managed to get that 4 inch Sai Baba photo etched in diamonds. He had the diamonds set in silver though. He did not want the people who saw it around his neck know the value of it. He kept his secrets.Work took him travelling often. He could afford to fly but he took trains. He chose the AC-tier or the second class compartment, as his mood suited . What was really important to him was the company he had during the journey. He liked to engage in small talk and really mix with this co-passengers. It was his pride that he could get along with anyone and almost his hobby. Sai Baba was a great help in conversations. Everyone was interested in a miracle story. He even liked to help the train beggards, not much but a rupee or two for each. And the hawkers, one had so much time talk to hawkers on trains and examine their wares. Sometimes they brought with them sacred stones or the rudraksh. He believed in the rudraksh especially if it had five or more faces. The rudraksh and the Baba protected him and kept him safe. As long as they approved of him, he did not need any other opinion. Sometimes he felt guilty at work. The last time there had been a diabetic bank clerk he had given sweetened milk to. He was not going to be there when the clerk work up from his poisoned drink. But what could he have done, the wife had worn all the man’s savings around her neck in gold. And the girl, he would remember her. She had liked him, he knew. And there had been a sadness from earlier hurt in those eyes. How would she wake up?
I have reasoned that it is not real. They are really not plotting against me. They know each other since school. I am just a newbie that came along and that some of them helped. My relationship with them probably ended after they finished helping me. And I have been holding on. Lately I have found them upsetting. That girl, the muslim one, why does she keep telling me that things will become better. What is it in what I am saying , that she is picking on as trouble. Can I never be seen as happy or Ok, do I always have to be seen as heavy and negative. I am sitting here in this party and no one is really talking to me. They are seeing me after so long, almost a year, and no one is looking even faintly interested in me. I try to tell them about my new life, my new interests and new home. But I know that being thought rich, good-looking and needy is all the impression they will ever have of me. I am starting to feel that pain in my gut and my mind is blanking. I feel shamed. I want to leave. That will be a relief and maybe they will miss me after. The door is six feet away beyond the diwan and the book shelf.

CHILDREN
It is Tina’s seventh pregnancy. None of her children are with her except the one in her stomach. Her family gives them away as soon as they are thirty days old. The money they get is always good for the home. The weeks after the children were taken away is when Tina’s obsessivness took total control. She would run from room to room and look in every nook for her disappeared child. She would moan and scream throughout the day . Her desperate screams kept everyone awake in the house at nights. Still , things did not change. Every time she gave birth, they gave them away. And every She could leave this house and try to make it on her own in the world. But she had always been in this house where it was safe and quiet. It was scary to leave. She liked her family usually, they were kind to her and took care of her. Her children were born so tiny and so helpless. And she was usually tired from the strain of the pregnancy and the birth. Still she pushed herself to feed them every two hours and stroke them till they belched. It is only in those times when she gave birth that she hated her family. These demanded too much out of her then. And they were not gentle with the children, insisting that they pick the kids and play with them. Did they not know that they might carry germs? She could really gouge out the eyes of those who came near her kids. and is not enough to feed

All I want to do at times is lie on this bed. I want to drown in this calming blackness. I feel hunger but can’t really fix anything to eat. I let the hunger go away or try to forget it. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. Then, I drag myself to the nearest supermarket or fast food joint and try to snuck in a meal. Sometimes there is a bit of joy at eating especially if there is fried chicken. There is a constant dull pain in my heart and a dull anxiety in my lower chest. They go away when I sleep.

MAN/WOMAN/ROMANCE
Bhavani was in the bathtub at her boyfriends place. She had come to the end of her tether
GOD?
Arjun had decided early that he wanted to be an artist. He was not really

I want to die. There is only darkness. I have tried every possible way to get out of here, but I can’t. It’s too late. Too many things have happened that I cannot right. I am a failure and there is no way that is going to be any different. I want to die. I cannot take this pain any more, or the shame. I want a way out of this place. I want to die. Kill me. Give me poison. You who are listening so patiently, you can never understand my pain. You don’t know what to say and I am ashamed to talk to you. And have done this a million times before. Nothing changes. I need to die.

2011-10-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

2011-09-30T08:04:00.000-07:00

I am going to take that scissor and snip off all the parts of you I don't like. Including that fat nose, those pus filled pores and the two kids. Stop smirking and don't write to me pretty. Stand without leaning and man, slap her. You stupid glutton, you are headed nowhere. psst...neither am I.

Measure

2011-09-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

Don't use me,
to feel good
about yourself.

I may be uncertain
but I am kind.
I may be not
so confident.
But the diamonds
are mine.

Measure for measure
if there is such a thing
I stay, you strive.

Disoriented

2011-09-13T01:52:00.000-07:00

Don't know who I am
What the hell, I am
upto. The image was
solidifying into
somehting, I was
being open about
some things. This
crash into people
and feedback.
I don't know who I
am and what the
hell I am upto.
I hold on to the
certainity of home
and the acceptance
of nature. The love
from animals and
the hope of God.
I have crashed into
people .I feel them
moulding, shaping me
and trying to shame
me to fit their egos.
The sliding grouind
and the black wolf.
Simple they say,
and raise me
on their cross.

FREEDOM

2011-09-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

Freedom was a battle
won hard.
Their ways were right
my actions were wrong.
There w€s no one like me
and I believed them.
Not just that they
were right, but that
I was wrong.

Freedom was a battle
where I saw no shores.
I only knew I was
unloved and unacceptable
if I lived out my thoughts.
Then the pain grew too strong.
I hurt my body and
killed my soul, till nothing
remained of the will to live.

Freedom was a battle
where I drowned.
When I woke up,
I was an outcast
and there was a God
I didn't have a choice
about the holding on.
To my surprise I
found that outcasts
could be happy,
productive.

Freedom was a battle
one of hope.
I learn, I learn.

Windows for people

2011-08-29T05:26:00.000-07:00

There are windows
for people.
Moving windows.

Once there were
friends forever
Situations changed
they moved places
I moved places
I held on; They left
They held on; I left.

We hurt for a while
but learn to
accept change.
We have seen
it already
a few times.
Once there were
forever friends
Now there are
windows for people.

Entry is open
Re-entry is a
possibility.
Closeness welcome
expiry inevitable
Memories stay.

Discipline

2011-08-29T05:08:00.000-07:00

Everything was
discipline
at home and
at school

Solid , grey
buildings
Dark staircases
pinned down clothes
hastily polished
shoes.

All was discipline
at home and
at school.

Stable grandparents
The right way
to sit, stand
salute, pray
and clean feet.

Shaken and gone
as I age.
Rebeled and
free.
There was only me.

Everything was
discipline
in what I
denied myself.

Icecreams and
costly clothes, hair
salons and
television sets.
Hugging people and
enjoying sex.
Everything was
discipline in
what I denied
myself.

Now am older
hair grayer and
body softer.
Discipline
so carefully taught
and assiduously
cultivated
has vanished.

I can't control
my thoughts
nor the way my
body like sloth
nor the weaknesses
of my personality.

Discipline my friend
come back , come back.
I need you.
We have the next river
to cross. But I would
also like to invite Joy.

Kids from Heaven

2011-08-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

I think one
is sent kids
from heaven.

To reduce
one's selfishness
However tough
that may be, at times
and new.

To increase life's
contentment by
learning to
live in the moment.

To see through
the child's eyes
the joy of simple
games and the fun
behind all action.

Importantly, to
love heart open
and see how saying
what one feels
creates bonds
and doesn't break them.

I think one is
sent kids from
heaven
To relearn to live
when one forgets.

Progress

2011-08-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

Progress seems to be
what i achieve now,
unplanned,
unseen at the moment
while I am chasing
the unfulfilled future goals.

The problem of hope

2011-08-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

I want this relationship
Yes, the one where
you are so perfect
and I am so miserable
and in need of support,
to change.

I want a better future
certainly with more money
and maybe more fun
and pleasure.

I want all these insecurities
to be rationalised
and understood
and gotten rid of .
So that I form a better
connection with society.

I remember those times
in the past
where I was loved
and respected
and doing good work.

But somehow when I add
so much value to the future
and to the past
I cannot but feel
that some of that value
or indeed all of it
is robbed
from the present.

Never gone

2011-08-07T01:12:00.000-07:00

I never forget the
little ones that
leave me.
I don't know where
they go after.
I know they don't
feel pain any longer.
I know they are
becoming a part
of the uniform earth.
I know they did
not intend this to happen.
I know they wanted
to live on longer,
hold on to their
breathing.
I saw them fall,
saw them reduce,
saw them cry and respond
to my touch and voice.
I loved them and
I know they loved me
in the ways only they could.
Some were children
whose mistake in fighting
death, was all their own.
In some, the mistake
was all mine.
In some, it lie with
me, with them, with doctors,
with other life that
wanted to live at the
cost of my little ones.

What I never know
till later is
how much
their breath was tied to mine.
How much the pillows, the
water bowl, the kitchen,
the settes and the sleeping bag,
misses them.
When they were nagging me
I learnt slowly what to do
to calm them down.
Now when there is silence,
that cries the loudest.
All the knowledge I picked
up on care, all those parts
of me which I din't know I had.
I have a longing,
a deep urge
to be a mother once more.
And I have to hold
on to this little hope
that says,
Next time.

Rest in peace, little ones.
I loved you and
love you deeply.
Forgive me if I did wrong
it is for sure unknowingly.
Send me some courage
to move on
and find more little ones
to fill my heart
as you all did.

The Pod

2011-07-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

two little peas
perfect bodies
one calm and quiet
one afraid and playful.

Relay

2011-07-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

One sees the bad
things in one.
And runs and runs.
One puts on an
happy face, makes
soft friends.
Ask for no risky
favours. One buys
things and travels.

The jealousy, the
hatred are pushed
away. The nagging
insecurity of
not being enough.
It is too scary to
hear those voices.
One runs and runs.

They say be good.
They say do good.
They say anger
is evil.
One glimpses
it all in one.
And runs and runs.

Meetup

2011-07-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

I meet ten thousand men.
Five thousand men
fall in love with me.
I fall in love
with four thousand of those
that do not love me.
In the thousand that is mutual,
I wait anxiously for the men
to leave me. And they do.
All in search of
the missing father.
And non-existent
unconditional love.

Seeing Art

2011-06-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

This space is art.
And art needs now
an audience. We
experiment at
being seen. We try
to grow new.

While we create
because of how
we react to the
world around us.
What you see is
not who we are.

Infact, what you see
here and everywhere
you look , will be
as humans do,
who you are.

We, me and art
we experiment at
letting you see
a form of words
or colours.
Don't try to understand
who we are
Or rather you can't.
Start with yourself.

2011-06-29T00:06:00.000-07:00

It has taken me
three months, baby
To recover from what
we did to each other
In the name
Of love.

2011-06-28T04:16:00.001-07:00

Nobody loves me -
Says the life script.

Little child, Big Momma

2011-06-28T04:05:00.000-07:00

Feel broken today.
In parts that were already
broken before.

The little doll that
I am saving
and the big mamma
Both with sad hearts.

Strange thoughts that we
create while we had no control
on events, we still react
the same way in habituation.

The little child
and the big momma,
holding hands and
huddling together.

Wrap them in a warm rug
that also soothes them
from the inside.

2011-06-26T18:28:00.000-07:00

Bamboo

2011-06-22T23:17:00.000-07:00

I dream of effortlessness and
look at the Bamboo.
Of the wind on the bamboo leaves
Of finding where the force is
and giving way. Of
coming back subsequently
as I have a form. Of
growing with seasons, of
becoming larger,giving out more
shoots and leaves with time.
Of not feeling guilt about
making a mess around me.
Of taking what I want from
what is available.
of rising from the ground,
Keeping rooted,
Exploring the sky
and dropping dead leaves.

Love demands.

2011-06-20T06:27:00.000-07:00

They demand of us
Love me, Love me
When they give us advise
we don't seek.
They ask us,
love me , love me
appreciate my words.
When they criticize us
they tell us
i am in pain, i am hurt
love me, love me.

They pay us also
good returns.
If we love them
the way that makes them feel good.
They call us good names
well adjusted, stable
loving and intelligent.
They pay us good returns.

So we jump in
to love them,
even when we cant love ourselves.
And Coz it more difficult
to get the praise from
the judge in our head.

Love me , love me
they say.

Can you come another time?
Keep the connection with me.
Let us refrigerate this
request of yours and
visit it after summer?

Pure Impure

2011-06-20T06:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know if what they say
A love which is selfless, exists.
But if it does, I send it to you.

I send you love
that does not bring me any satisfaction.
I hope it brings to you
some more trust and acceptance
in the life you are living.

I am not sure that
there is an unexploitative love.
If there is, I send it to you.

I send you also human love
that which makes me feel better.
I send to you love
that which is reciprocal.
Send me back if you
have some to spare,
your kind of love.

I wish to float on this loving feeling.
Thats coz I like to float.
Can there be golden light and violet
wings with green gardens?

All of us children of the universe
I wish for a universe filled
with a sense of belonging
and a sense of respect for all things.
and a sense of wondorous transitoriness.

Mutation

2011-06-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

Mobile phone and
twenty four hour internet.
Facebook friends and
twitter updates. Why
does all this feel like a
connection compensation
that has a shaky base.

Of what value that
I have endless talks,
emails and comparison
statistics. The added issue
of never really being able
to let people leave my life
and keep my privacy.

One hearth and the
balcony of long talks.
Encouraging, appreciative grandmothers.
Gone forever. Leaving
behind isolation and a
need to mutate and
spread wide the hearts demands.

No Way Out

2011-06-11T04:40:00.000-07:00

There is no way
I know what is
best for you.

There is no way
that the violence
in the world will
end. As, there is
no way fear is
going to end on
a large scale.
Never will the
maker of peace
be just me. I will
never be the buddha
or the jesus. If I
join a large mass
and protest for
womens rights, I
transfer fear /shame
from one party
to the other party.
Thats all, the
violence will not
end.At best a
simmering peace.

There is no way out.
But to open
my door and let
the aggressors in.
and make them
some coffee.

How to love

2011-06-09T23:08:00.000-07:00

I love money
I think about how
to grow and preserve it
and how to use it limitedly,
never carelessly.
Of course, it has a
use for me also, it
gives me physical security.
I think it is a fair
relationship.

I like my car, and
I love my plants.
Yes, I do have to
service the car and
clean it to show the
neighbours. But it
runs on its own,
we do some things together
and there is cooperation
as well as clear boundary
to our relationship.

I love my plants.
Sure, I water them daily,
watch closely to see if
they thrive and nip at the
dead twigs. I love that
they respond so easily
that there is life in
them that needs no prodding
and that they seem
to love to live.
There is a lot I give to
and learn from plants.

I would like to love you
like I love money
plants and my car.

Tender Heart Open

2011-06-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

Where hurt & sorrow
we pick as the
stone beneath our feet.
Joy and happy moments
seem as unholdable
as the wind that blows.

The sorrows that hold
onto us, gnaw with growing
tentacles of cynicism.
The love, the appreciation
disappear as the sweat
on the our skins leaving
a mild after taste.

What purpose my lord -
Is it to protect us?
Or to show us that we need
to solve the situation and
in that is the satisfaction?
Do we hold on to hate
to remind us to look closer at it?

Loosen the knots, teacher.
Let me learn to keep
my heart, however slender
and vulnerable, open.
Let me give it the resilience
to see pain & joy and stay put.
Let Love never leave.

In Service

2011-06-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

I dislike this place of
solid walls and scrubbing floors
I dislike the constancy
of needing to maintain polished
masks and update bills.

Once I liked the security
Of there being a place
to lay my head on
And I still cherish that.
But who own's who?

I have become the servitor
The kitchen lies empty.
My purse is headed that way.
Time is not free anymore
There are not people, loving
And my hair is in knots.

2011-06-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

Love

2011-06-02T08:28:00.000-07:00

I love you
But maybe not in the way you want to be loved.
Yes, I love myself too.
And also, I wish you would love me more in the way
I want to be loved.

I love you
I see your imperfections
That are sometimes your own
Or sometimes my projections.
I feel afraid for you
I want you to be safe
And be happy.

I love you
But cant express myself
Cant find the gifts to give
But know that I would hurt deeply if you are hurt.
Coz we are connected, you and me.
You can buy me by telling me that you love me
And you would love me forever.

The irony is that, I don't believe in people love.
I believe love is selfishness.
I don't think the feeling lasts
And those that last, take too much energy to nurture.
And there is the final death or disease.
I don't want to tie my horse to this uncertain wind.
I prefer to fold my hands in prayer.

However, my heart seeks love.
I don't see why human love
has always to be about desire.
It can be about caring in the way
you need to be cared.
And I know you wont enjoy being loved that way.
As I don't enjoy being loved that way, its cold.
We want the passions, we want the forevers.
We want the drama of trust and faith
That brings the problems of dependence and trophism.

I love you.
When we fight in love,
lets find space for our projections of each other
lets find a space for our fears for ourselves.
let us make a commitment to be in love.
As each of us is beautiful and fleeting.
I hope we hold our love for each other
in a way that does not cheapen love
but transcends it.

Spit and Song

2011-05-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

Even though they spit, when their mouths open,
I will see beauty and write my song.

My Man

2011-05-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

My Man
My baby
My cat
My Mom
My home
My business
My meaning
My friends

I want a
Selfish kinda love.

Hair care

2011-05-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

Shiny, glossy, straight, long beautiful hair. A bit black, a bit brown and a bit gold. Clean it, rub it down and condition it. Put that wide toothed comb through and wheedle out the knots. Half dry it to tame it a bit. and let it loose.......soon the wind catches up with it and makes it dance to its tune. Wild blades of grass. One day, I will get the smooth forever hair, till then, mine is just fine.

Gated

2011-05-15T00:08:00.000-07:00

I locked the outer gate with three cycle chains,
What are you doing in my bedroom?

Slowly....

2011-04-29T19:39:00.001-07:00

the emptiness changes into space.

Softly

2011-04-28T23:06:00.001-07:00

Softly Softly
I tell the hurt part of me
I am slowly understanding what you have seen.
I read your pain and feel your loneliness.
I love you still. I love you the more.
I am also learning as I go along.
Tell me slowly, what more are you holding.
Release, let go. Let the ocean be your sink.
I will be your company and protect you the best I can.
I make my mistakes and sometimes I am weak.
So that's the time I hope you will love me too.
And not go back to your shell
Otherwise I think I will go on a rampage.
Let my anger protect you from pain.
But don't leave me here with the rage.
Come back again and lets learn to love again
each other and the vast universe.

An Ode to a Like

2011-04-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

So I like,
You are a gentleman.
And also really gentle.

Calm and unhurried,
No wild rides into the dark.

No sharp arguments,
no emotional storms.

I really like.
Am scared,
Will you move in with me?

Betrayal

2011-04-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

It is success,
to endure the betrayal
of false friends.
Is it success,
to endure the betrayal
of a true friend.

The new year resolution

2011-04-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

So I want acceptance,
I want independence
and I want glorious love,
I want a rewarding career,
I want endless creativity,
I want enough leisure .

Now, I begin to see!!

circa-2005

My guy

2011-04-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

No rich guy for me,
I want no one sleeping all day
Eating his fathers crumbs.

No business man for me,
I will not be a mistress,
to my husbands first love.

No programmer for me,
I want no geek spouting weird languages,
whose idea of a turn-on is not lingerie but an .exe

I want no pilot,
Am not going to be a widow,young
nor sing a million prayers before and after.

I want no ambitious yuppie,
No time for time and
nothing at all for me.

I want no retired milk-sop
so fearful of fear that
I make all the proposals.

Ah, no Blogger for me.
what a silly way,
to gain people's attention.

Ah, I want noone.
Till,
Do you want me?

Change

2011-04-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

Change can be so relieving, temporarily.

All the old bad habits, bad sights and smelly , dirty corners you din't like, just vanish. In its place, new nooks, new tiles, new pools. So much to get used to and feel grateful about.So much time left till the new dirty corners begin to be seen.

2011-04-27T19:19:00.000-07:00

Life's living,
seems all in its moments.

Fours jobs couldn't,
taper the anguish.
Neither could
social service in profession.
Dance and drama,
is all nice in its form.
But Next,
is a question
That's always around.

Life's living,
is all in its moments.

ps:Maybe Happiness is,
a brown horse-blinder.

Rejected Bastards

2011-04-27T01:43:00.000-07:00

I have stopped being nice
to the men I said "No" to.
This games tires me but continues
relentlessly.
Some hold my breast and some
try to rub my thigh, some feel my
bra straps through top dress, so innocently.
All that it makes me feel is disgust
and a sense of being violated somehow.
What I have learnt
is that noone like a "No".

And none take it for what
it is without projecting it back on me.
One man I thought was drama-less finds me
after seven years to tell me I am looking old!
Not worthy of the guilt
I carried for a couple of years.
One calls me angry and the other says
I am not yet ready for a relationship.
Some turn stalkers and
read my facebook page diligently.

Sanctum Sanctorum

2011-04-26T23:56:00.000-07:00

I like fresh rain
I like the colours -pink and orange
I like white walls and rocking chairs.
I like tiled floors that are soft
when I walk on them.
I like clean surfaces
and the way the light casts mirrors
of the pond on the ceiling.
I love fragrant gardens
and my poetry book.
I love the feeling of
having my own space.

Finding Creativity

2011-04-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

I don't want suicide
I don't want to end this life myself.
I don't want to be killed or have an accident
I want to keep all parts of my body.
I don't really wanna age but
that I can't preserve by care.

I don't also want to kill
or be uncontrollably destructive.
I don't even want to hurt or shame life
Except for self-protection.
I don't want to plot endless revenge
Or join protests against the aggressors.

What is left,
I have to try to be.
To move this energy that I hold
in directions that it may grow in
That gives me pleasure and is natural
to my current place.
Not fix it in endless goals
that are painful to try to get.
But to really hear what I am
and to go with it.

On why I lost

2011-04-26T17:46:00.001-07:00

I wanted the easy way. I asked Life. She refused.

Tortoise

2011-04-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

I want to go in there, where there is only a calm, where there is darkness, where there is a protective cover and no one can hurt. No ugly insensitive human can get in.

Sensitivity

2011-04-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

I can feel pain
My badge of sensitivity and also a bother.
The little dog barked at by the bigger ones
the autorickshaw man with the parkinsons disease
the dirty beaches and smelly side streets.
I can feel pain.
Sadist Nature.

Ugly kind.

2011-04-26T17:30:00.000-07:00

That it is ugly is known. A need to hunt for kindness. A need to be kind.

The List

2011-04-26T17:29:00.000-07:00

Two red carnations
Cream sandals
Blue skirt
Black top
Long brown skirt
Chocolate cupcakes
Maggi Noodles
Table salt
Almonds
Ready to cook Pongal
Sugar
Taaza tea
Chilli Lemon pickle
Mouth Freshner
Earl Grey Tea
Malad
Yogurt
Cauliflower
Two pomogranates
Red chilli sauce
Eggs
Apple Cider

Worship

2011-04-25T17:44:00.001-07:00

Worship
On the altar of money,
is the easiest.
Tangible goals,
Fancy ware,
Things we can see.
Touch
and keep.

Worship
On the altar of power,
Is another.
Power to push people,
To move the society,
Power to
Be seen,
Be recognised.

However,
Those worthy of praise,
But are oft missed,
Are those who.

Worship,
On the altar of truth.
To refuse money,
if it is not purposeful.
To refuse power,
if it is corrupt.
But also the insight,
to know ,
when to harness either demons.

Ask

2011-04-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

Let that that wants to enter, Enter

Let that that wants to leave, Leave

But ask without fear, ask without judgement

Repentance

2011-04-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

What I would like to
do is to drown you in
brown bile.feed this
anger in my heart with
the wine of your blood.
And as bread to break
the bone that connects your
elbow to your wrist. To
slake this fire in my upper chest
with a cooling draught of beer
brewed on your repentance.
And to shrink your head and hang it as
a dollar around my neck to remind me that
this interaction is never to happen again.

Friendship

2011-04-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

We got around to talking,
My friend and me.
Miles vanished in a cell phone.

World is nuts, said she.
Yes, how mad, said I.
And there is noone to trust, said I.
Yes, never trust, said she.
We girls live all alone,said she.
Yes, a lonely path,said I.
I like this guy, but...said she.
Only if he makes you happy, said I.
Well, we'll live, said she.
Yes, through anything, said I.
I am writing this guy,
Is he the One? said I.
No, there is no love, said she.

Is your job Ok? said I.
I am thinking of a change, said she.
Shall we try something together, said she.
Yes, of course, said I.
Lets list what we each like,
and see if there is a match, said I.
We will give it an honest shot, said she.

Then we bid good-bye.
I have never had anyone better to crib to
about the lack of love and trust.

2011-04-22T19:29:00.001-07:00

When the walls crumble, what is left standing is the truth.

Free Fall

2011-04-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

Free fall,
You miss the earth
crash comet.

Free fall,
You missed the earth
crash comet?

Beginnings of Summer

2011-04-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

Water melon in juicy pink
striped balls piled on tempo trucks
Roadside man with the cane
crunching machine and cut-glasses.
Neem tree flowering in powdery white
brings to memory grandmas healthy rasam.
Fear of asking for mango prices
lingering sour taste of early season ones.
Thin unexpected early morning drizzles.
Heat waves in balconies
sweaty skin on every travel.
Mercury climbing in the usual style.

Its incomplete

2011-04-21T17:21:00.001-07:00

I only do two night stands. Where is my second night?

Mind & Body

2011-04-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

Lift your arms up
bend down
move it to the left
move it to the right
says the mind.

The body turns around &
lies on its stomach.

The mind
says OK
and switches Off.

Sweet
guilty
5:00 AM
Sleep.

Boys Night Out

2011-04-20T20:26:00.001-07:00

i swear on my life
that if i could take this knife
out of my back, i would
but between the loss of blood
& the loss of my trust in you..
i don't think it'd do any good

Can I?

2011-04-19T19:34:00.001-07:00

Stand you under a mistletoe.

Walk

2011-04-19T19:29:00.000-07:00

Lets walk down the road,
you and me
lets forget about eternity.

Nothing will touch us
fear, committment
that all will just melt away

Lets walk down this road
that winds to nowhere
hand in hand

Lets watch the green grass
the cows grazing
and the fresh breeze.

Lets rest a little
by the roadside
Move a little closer.

The reply

2011-04-18T22:27:00.001-07:00

As a reply to the moralists, I have scars.

By unknown

2011-04-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

hey you,
be happy somewhere you.
yes, it is love from me,
and unrequited.
but that all right u know,
its friendship from me,
albeit unrequited.
i liked you anyways u know,
and you are a nice guy
and when you are lonely,
hang in there,
someone will come and get you,
coz you are a nice guy.

Battle Weary

2011-04-18T01:56:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you think the wounds might have gone in so deep
That you will stop feeling for people

So many shut doors and judgments and shame
That it all hangs like a haze around your head
Defeat wins and you lose.

The battle is over
And then there is a void
You know you have to pick up, clean and repair the remains
Sew the bleeding skin
Not to make a whole
But just to keep it together.
There will be scars you know
But you hope that with time
They fade or you forget to notice.

You know you are not free yet
You know you still have dreams
Of being so complete
That you don’t fear
Don’t fear ignonimity, don’t fear rejection
No disrespect or alienation.

You know you are supposed to be strong
Society has blamed you with an independent spirit
There are other crosses to bear
Of being a thinker, of being a woman.

But only, you really don’t know how to thrash the strength out of hiding
Of how to be independent and honest, when in reality the loneliness is so vast
that you don’t see the shore.

Maybe wear a mask
Maybe everyone is in a mask
Maybe only with a mask, you can fight the battles to glory.
You don’t know
You don’t even think you have the right to know.

When friends bring you their joyous news of babies and shoes
It feels so shallow
You wish the colors went out from everywhere,
not just from you life.

Most things are so supremely beyond control
And your fire has almost died out
At times you don’t ever want to get up.
Most times you cant ever get to sleep.

You want to break out of the cycle of
expectations and disappointments
But at heart, you know
you cant run
and you cant hide.

Tomorrow, I will try to do the days work honestly.
I will be patient with those around me
God, grant me this.
I am not ready for hope yet.

Hugs

2011-04-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

Hugs and being held tight
Warm kisses on the nose
Being tied by invisible strings.
Closeness is what is joy.

Of Classes

2011-04-16T00:49:00.000-07:00

You are from the serving class.
Traditional , fully covered clothes
and television addiction.
Obedience to the rich while expecting
kindness from them.

You are from the middle class.
Strong education, temple visits
and respecting the elders
while being careful with money.
Slowly you are morphing into
american jobs and shopping malls.
Slowly learning to indulge hobbies
while losing the tentacles of fear
about the governmental bureaucracy.

You are from the business class.
Money and holidays in the west.
Children in snob schools and guitar classes.
Still the cooking wife and the dame mother.
Still the relentless need to compete.

We are from the outcaste.
Slipping between all these people
with practiced subtlety and internal unease.
Wondering where money is going to come from
but not trying to let it control creativity.
Strongly protective of freedom
and the right to live in equality.
Hounded still on showing true colors.
Private balconies filled with dreams.

Male me

2011-04-13T23:52:00.000-07:00

At the times I am single
There is procrastination and aversion
to certain types of house work.
Putting together the computer
Reconnecting the pipes of the washing machine.
Car maintenance.

Most times of course I make do
with help that I pay for.

Sometimes, there is a male part of me
I call to rise rather forcefully.
I try to beat him into movement.
Many times he hears me out and goes to sleep.
But slowly I am letting him be and encouraging him
to build the slender rope to freedom,
along with the me.

Holding a pen and a poem

2011-04-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

Holding a pen
that stopped writing.
Intention is to spill
onto the poetry book
Something. beautiful or maybe not
The words that are running around,
flowing through the contortions in my body,
the convoluted gut
and the veinous blood.
Holding a pen,
it all rushes out,
this smooth connection,
like a switch thrown.
The thoughts become words
They line up, hold hands
and march forward.
From my mind,
to my hands and fingers
onto the tip
of the felt pen .
Finally resting
in strange curves
on the paper.

2011-04-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend left,
taking his freedom.
Should I return
his insecurities about me?

Finding Creativity

2011-04-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

Jealousy

2011-04-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

The cat paces
outside the netted window.
Milk overflowing.

An evening out

2011-04-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

Silky seas
blue over brown with changing silver toppings.
White turf swirling and expanding
to pipes of hollow water,
join back the tireless surface
with a small protest of white froth.

No purpose
but to spend the energy
that caused it to be.
Into the next matter
that can hold it.
for a while.

Don't come as a hero

2011-04-06T21:49:00.000-07:00

Don't come into my life
to tell me that I
need to change mine.
Come into my life as the
receiver of the gift of
my openness and vulnerability.

Look where I am looking
and show me what you
look at. Let us enjoy6 the
beauty in both and not
make the mistake of trying
to merge our views.

Don't come into my life to
enjoy my sorrows and
show me your perfect mask.
Come into it trusting that you
can lower your guard.
As your pain will connect me more
to what you are saying than your
advises will.

Don't come as a hero
Come as an equal.

A happy poem

2011-04-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

I will be free
I will skip & dance
and wear knee length
flower-patterned pearl-beaded dresses
I will weave my crazy hair
in a back braid.
I will water the seeds
that lie dormant & unseen
underneath the red mud
and be thrilled to count
every new plant that rises.
I will listen to love songs
and long for companionship.
When the doubt rises, I
will ignore it and talk over
the mobile phone to faraway friends.
I will be free.

Bone Collector

2011-04-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

All these past stories
Yes where they insulted me
She shamed me; He rejected me
He blamed me; She criticised me.

I sit down & ponder & ponder
How can I make it better?
Should I go back to them and
talk it out more but also understand.
Should I wait for the next hurt
to catch it at its bud?

The anger, the jealousy
The circles of thought
and the growing bag of
unsolved, unhappy memories.

I think I will choose
to skip the thought
as it arises.
I think I will choose happy.

A happy poem

2011-04-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

The dried grass that shows
sprigs of green upon being watered.
The inexhaustible waves that don't
mind the dirty coast.
Their sound that soothes the drifting mind.
The bougainvilleas with their umbrella
of pink flowers over the protective walls.
The black and cream dogs playfully
biting necks.
Soothing evening and hope scattered about.

Acceptance

2011-04-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

I feel a part
of me is dead

Tried so often
to climb that hill
Nothing came out of
it but shame and sorrow.
Now too tired to try
and too hopeless
to change the
circumstances.

Dumb acceptance
from the side
as life goes by
for others.
That is all I can do
to protect myself
from further exposure.

That hill stays unclimbed
and a part of me feels dead.
Even before it started to love.

Fillup

2011-04-05T04:33:00.001-07:00

There sores
right there
on the surface
of me.
Look they have
filled up a little
while I have
been with you.

Although you
depart.
I am grateful
for the dollops
of patience you
showed.

Front to Back

2011-04-05T04:30:00.000-07:00

It seems that we
can be just
two things -
right or wrong.
And there can
Be just two
positions in a
conversation.
Right or wrong.
And you
have to be
right.

Worms

2011-03-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

Once I share
more of my thoughts
as open view.
The worms come
back again out of
the woodwork
and try to nibble.

It is annoying that
my no is not heard.
With time almost
there are more worms than less.
Some after the body.
some after the mind.
Some after a vicarious life
voyeuring into mine
from behind their
stodgy wall of security.

None that respect me
none that I respect.

What to do, have to
accept that these are
those kind of worms.

And my art cries out
for an audience.

2011-03-24T06:13:00.001-07:00

Living is an intoxication activity.

Meditation II

2011-03-21T01:00:00.001-07:00

I seem neither white
nor black.
But some oscillating shade of grey.
Sometimes also white or black.

I seem neither the minimalist
nor the indulger.
Though I am either at times.
Right now the deprived
learning to lose guilt
on finding the hope of joy.

When I starve my senses.
The mind produces such beautiful images.

I seem to have swallowed a great
invisible balancing machine.